


Astro-WHAT?

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Classroom Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Public Blow Jobs, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 23:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rimmer goes to take his exams, he's shocked to find he's been signed up for something other than astronavigation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Astro-WHAT?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a little throwaway joke in my other fic [Pipes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1605629) that I couldn't get out of my head.
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

Rimmer patted the sleeves and chest of his flightsuit before he stepped through the door to the classroom. _Right, he thought. Regulation number of pens, regulation number of pencils, and one regulation-sized ruler._ He held out his hands and inspected his fingers. _Nails cut to regulation length, hair trimmed nice and short. Everything is tickety-boo._ Rimmer cracked his neck and shifted his shoulders around. _This time things are going to be different. I’m going to pass this time, I just know it. I can feel it in my bones. Or is that the lumbago coming back?_

Red Dwarf's classroom was empty, save for Todhunter who sat primly at his desk. Rimmer looked around puzzled, as he stepped up to the officer.

“Second technician Arnold J. Rimmer sir,” Rimmer said as he gave a particularly elaborate salute. “Reporting to take my exam, sir.”

Todhunter looked up at Rimmer, his expression rapt with disinterest. “Right, Rimmer,” he said as he shuffled through his papers. “If you’ll just stand over there the exam will begin soon.”

Rimmer followed Todhunter’s finger to a spot in the middle of the room and stood at attention facing his superior. Todhunter glanced at his watch a few times as the minutes ticked by, and Rimmer found himself growing more and more agitated. It was nerve-wracking enough taking his exams for the twelfth time, but something was strange about the whole situation. _This isn’t what it was like all the other times I took the exam. Something is definitely out of order._

“Excuse me, sir. But where are the others? And where are the desks?”

“No desks are needed, Rimmer.” Todhunter looked up at Rimmer as he straightened out a stack of forms, “And the astrofellatio exam is always taken one-on-one, you ought to know that."

“Astro-WHAT?” Rimmer’s jaw dropped to the floor on the last syllable.

“Astrofellatio, Rimmer. That's what I’ve got you down for today.”

Rimmer’s eyebrows threatened to invade his hair as he processed this information. “No, no, with all due respect sir, there must be some mistake. I’m here to sit for astronavigation, I’ve no interest in astro… astro…”

Todhunter sighed in irritation, "Rimmer, you're here on the list and it’s signed with your signature. It says quite clearly: ‘Arnold J. Rimmer, Ssc. Bsc.’ There’s nobody else onboard this ship smegheaded enough to sign their name like that.”

Rimmer’s nostrils flared at the insult as a stream of angry retorts struggled to escape his lips, but all he managed to get out was a series of gurgles and exhalations.

“We’re just waiting for your test subject to arrive. Considering who it is I’m not surprised that he’s late.”

“HE?” Rimmer blurted out, “What do you mean HE?”

“What’s the matter Rimsy?” Rimmer’s stomach did acrobatic flip-flops as the familiar voice penetrated his ears. “Your bread not buttered on that side?”

Rimmer whirled on his heels and glared at his bunkmate. “YOU?” Lister slouched in the doorway, his face stretched wide in a grin.

Rimmer seethed as he turned back to Todhunter, “There is absolutely no way on Io that I’m laying a finger on that unevolved chimpanzee.”

“Look, Rimmer,” Todhunter said irritably, “You’re on the list for the exam and Lister is your test subject. Either you take the exam now, or I’ll have to mark this down as yet another failure.”

“But I didn’t WANT to take this exam!” Rimmer spluttered, “I signed up for astronavigation! Someone must have forged my signature," Rimmer shook an accusatory finger at Lister. "I'll bet it was him! He's probably set the entire thing up himself. I never would have signed up for… for THIS! I’d rather wrap my lips around the tailpipe of an Austin Maestro then wrap them around… around…” _His cock. His big, smegging, monster of a cock._ Rimmer’s could feel his own cock twitch in his flightsuit. _Shutup,_ he growled at himself. _You keep out of this._

“What, you scared Rimmer? Am I too much man for you to handle?” Lister had his arms crossed over his chest as he swaggered into the room, his face still split in a massive grin.

Rimmer clenched his teeth in fury while trying to ignore the warm lashes of heat that were beginning to pulse through his groin, “I am certainly capable of handling anything that the likes of you might throw at me, Lister. I’m twice the man that you are,” he finished with a haughty sniff.

“Maybe twice the smeghead,” Lister laughed, dropping his hands to his hips as he stood next to his red-faced superior.

“Why is this exam even offered? What does…” Rimmer struggled to even say the word. “...fellatio even have to do with being in the Space Corps?” He reddened as the two men immediately began laughing.

“Rimmer, astrofellatio is possibly THE most important examination offered by the Space Corps.” Todhunter shook his head in disbelief.

“C’mon smeg-for-brains. Everyone knows that. And you say you want to become an officer?” Lister shook his head and clucked his tongue at his bunkmate.

“Lister’s quite right, Rimmer. You can’t possibly expect to ever become an officer without passing it. Every officer worth their salt has sat their astrofellats.”

Rimmer’s mind was awhirl. _Astrofellatio? I can’t do this, I’ve never fellated anyone. I’ve never even BEEN fellated. I’ll have no idea what the smeg I’m doing! One of the skutters could do a better job than I could. I can’t possibly run my tongue over that… that THING Lister keeps in his pants. I couldn’t possibly slip my lips over it and feel it sliding into my mouth, I couldn’t possibly..._ Rimmer squirmed as his shorts suddenly became uncomfortably tight.

“So what’s it going to be Rimmer? Are you sitting this exam or should I add another fail to your already extraordinarily long list of failed examinations?” Todhunter tapped at his papers impatiently.

Rimmer looked from Todhunter’s exasperated face, to his bunkmate’s gleefully smug one, and back down to the floor. _I can’t do this. I can’t, I just can’t._

“I’ll do it.” _Smeg!_

“Right then. On your knees please, Rimmer.” Todhunter gestured at the floor as he made a check on his clipboard.

“My knees, sir?”

“Yes Rimmer, on your knees. It’s the most popular stance for the astrofellatio exam. Or would you prefer the sixty-nine position? That’s quite advanced for someone of your rank.” Lister gave a delighted cackle as the color drained from Rimmer’s face. His blood was far more preoccupied with filling up other parts of his anatomy.

“No, no, knees will be just fine, thanks,” Rimmer groaned as he knelt in front of his bunkmate and attempted to look anywhere but at the massive bulge in front of him. His mouth went as dry as cotton and he could hear his pulse thundering in his ears. _You’re only doing this because it’s a required examination. That’s all this is, just an exam that you need to pass. You’re not at all interested in feeling Lister’s cock in your mouth, not interested at all. Not interested in feeling how thick and hard it feels while you suck it down..._

“Like the view down there, smeghead?” Lister smiled as he gyrated his hips.

Rimmer grimaced up at his bunkmate. “You can just keep your big fat mouth shut, Lister. You’re just a test subject. I can’t afford to fail another examination, so just… shut up already, and let’s get this over with.” Rimmer’s cock was getting harder by the second and he winced as it bent at an awkward angle in his shorts. He reached down to adjust himself and the motion was not missed by Lister who smirked knowingly.

Right, the exam starts…” Todhunter clicked his stopwatch, “Now. You’ll have exactly thirty minutes to complete the exam. Carry on second technician, and good luck.”

“Yeah, he’s going to smegging need it,” Lister crowed as he looked down at Rimmer and waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh let’s just get on with this,” Rimmer licked his lips and took a deep breath as he readied himself. He raised shaking hands to Lister’s trousers and fumbled with the zipper.

“That bit goes down, Rimmer,” Lister chided his bunkmate gleefully as he tucked his hands under his arms.

“I damn-smegging-well know how to use a zipper, Lister!” Rimmer growled as he unfastened Lister’s trousers and began to shimmy them down his bunkmate’s hips.

“Right Rimmer, that’s ten points off for not using your teeth,” Todhunter’s voice dripped with indifference as he made some notes on his clipboard.

“My teeth? Are you serious?”

“This is ASTROfellatio Rimmer, you can’t expect to pass this exam using the same old tricks kids are doing in secondary school. You’ve got to impress us here.”

“Oh damn this whole thing,” Rimmer muttered as he turned back to Lister’s pelvis.

“You heard the man Rimmer, I expect nothing less than a first-class blow-job. And remember, I’ve been round the block a few times.” Lister swiveled his hips from side-to-side and Rimmer was alarmed to see that his bunkmate was already sporting a generous semi. _Look at that thing. It’s like the Mount Kilimanjaro of bulges._

“Would you kindly just shut the smeg up already, you goit?” Rimmer grumbled at Lister. _Just close your eyes and go for it, Rimsy. You want to be an officer don’t you? Don’t think about how thick and hard it might be. You don’t care about any of that, you’re just trying to pass your exam._ Rimmer closed his eyes and grabbed the top of Lister’s shorts with his front teeth and began to tug them down.

“Gentle there Rimsy, don’t want to damage the goods.”

Rimmer cursed at Lister through a mouthful of cloth as he slipped the shorts down with one final pull. Lister’s half-hard prick hit Rimmer in the nose as it flopped out. Rimmer’s eyes popped open as he got his first, close-up look at Lister’s cock. _Holy smeg. It’s like a kielbasa on steroids. I’m likely to dislocate my jaw trying to swallow that thing._ His mouth began to water as he trailed his eyes down from the tight thatch of curls at the top to the soft folds of skin that draped over the tip.

“Come on Rimmer, you’re down two minutes already,” Todhunter muttered from behind his clipboard.

“Yes, yes, I’m going,” _Smeg, I never imagined a cock could be so damned big. No wonder he’s such a smug bastard._ Rimmer hesitated, unsure of where he should start, or what exactly he should do.

“Don’t worry, Rimmer. He might look like a snake, but I promise he doesn't bite.” Lister grabbed the base of his prick and jiggled it in his bunkmate’s face. Rimmer gasped as Lister’s foreskin grazed the soft skin of his lips. He took two deep breaths before leaning forward and running his tongue hesitatingly along the tip. His face flushed with warmth as he registered the taste of Lister’s skin; heat and musk, with a faint hint of spice to it. _The man eats so much curry that his cock tastes of masala. That can’t possibly be healthy._ Rimmer braced his hands on Lister’s thighs before stretching out his tongue for another taste. He ran it along the underside of Lister’s length, surprised by how pleasant he found the warm weight against his tongue.

“Mmm… not bad at all, Rimsy. For a start, anyway,” Lister muttered. His cock twitched as it continued to stiffen against Rimmer’s lips. _“Not bad?” I’m lapping up the stupid goit’s wedding tackle like a love-sick spaniel and all that he can say is “Not bad?” I’ll show the little bastard._

Rimmer plunged his head forward and sucked the tip into his mouth. Lister hissed above him and Rimmer, feeling emboldened, began to flick his tongue against the underside of Lister’s cock. Lister rocked unsteadily on his feet and parted his lips in a moan. _Ha ha! Take that Listy. I do think I’m beginning to get the hang of this._ Rimmer sucked Lister deeper into his mouth, punctuating the move with slick swirls of his tongue.

“Nice one, Rimmer. You’re better at this than I thought you’d be.” Lister pulled up the bottom of his t-shirt, giving himself a clear view as Rimmer sucked him. _He wants to watch._ Rimmer felt drops of pre-cum begin to spill into his shorts as the thought made his head spin. _It’s turning him on, seeing me with his cock in my mouth._ A quick glance upward confirmed this, as Rimmer saw Lister’s brown eyes watching him eagerly. Something inside of Rimmer snapped as he watched his bunkmate staring at him, his eyes blackened with lust. _I'll give him something to watch, the smeggy, sexy bastard._ Rimmer lowered his mouth slowly and deliberately down on Lister’s prick, taking as much of it in as he could.

Lister licked his lips and moaned as his hard cock slid bit by bit into his bunkmate’s mouth. “Oh smeg Rimmer, you have been studying for this haven’t you?”

Rimmer hummed agreeably as he felt Lister stiffen fully in his mouth. He pulled away and stared in awe for a moment at Lister in all his glory, before tracing his tongue along the entire length from base to tip. _Smeg this is fan-smegging-tastic. It’s not enough though, I want more. I need more._ He slipped his lips over the end and began to suck gently at the clear drops of fluid that leaked out. As the sweet and salty taste hit him, he became consumed with desire. _Oh smeg it all. I want this. I really, REALLY want this._

Rimmer’s own cock began to throb in his trousers as he wrapped his hands around Lister’s round backside and pulled him closer. He opened his mouth wide, as he desperately tried to swallow every delicious centimetre of Lister’s giant cock.

“Oh smeggin’ hell Rimmer. You’re smeggin’ incredible,” Lister reached down his hands and entwined them in Rimmer’s curls as he began pumping his hips, pushing himself even deeper into his bunkmate’s mouth.

“Very good Rimmer, very good." Todhunter raised his eyebrows as he penciled in a few additional notes. "You may pass this examination after all. What a surprise.”

The superior officer’s comments were lost on Rimmer. He was completely immersed in what he was doing with his lips and tongue. The sweet tang of Lister’s pre-cum was filling his mouth and he was struggling not to gag as Lister slid himself deeper with each thrust. Rimmer kneaded his hands into the soft skin of Lister’s rear as his own cock pulsated hungrily in his trousers. He pulled off with a gasp as he tried to catch his breath, “Oh smeg Listy, I want you, I’ve wanted you for so damned long.” Rimmer’s voice shook with desire as he sucked Lister back into his mouth. He bobbed up and down on Lister’s prick, nearly delirious with lust.

“Oh smeg Rimmer, why didn’t you just smeggin’ tell me?” Lister pulled his bunkmate off of him, and silenced Rimmer’s protests with a kiss while he slid to his knees. Rimmer’s lips were flushed red with exertion and Lister moaned as he pressed his tongue between them. Rimmer gasped into the kiss as he felt Lister’s wet erection pressing against the bulge in his flightsuit. Both men sang a chorus of want and desperation while they grappled at one another.

“Here now gentlemen this is quite out of order,” Todhunter called from his desk scornfully. “This is astrofellatio, not astrosnogging.”

“Smeg-off you insufferable twat,” Lister pulled away from Rimmer just long enough to throw Todhunter a two-fingered salute before diving back into his bunkmate again.

“Right, you’re getting written up for that one Lister. And as for you Rimmer, if you continue to conduct yourself in this way, you can forget about passing your astrofellatio exam.”

“Oh smeg the smegging exam,” Rimmer moaned as he pulled Lister’s t-shirt over his head and slipped a hand down to his bunkmate’s waiting cock.

“Yeah spin on it, Todhunter,” Lister gasped under the machinations of Rimmer’s long fingers.

“Well that’s it then,” Todhunter stood up as he angrily punched his stop watch. “Absolutely pathetic. You barely managed ten minutes, Rimmer. That's another failure down in your record.”

Rimmer was too busy kissing and licking his way down the side of Lister’s neck to be bothered with responding to Todhunter. The officer passed by the two men with a look of disgust as he left the classroom. As he shut the door behind him, he muttered, “Absolutely no ambition,” under his breath.

Lister gasped into Rimmer’s ear as he reached a hand down to the large bulge at the front of his bunkmate’s flightsuit. “Oh smeg, Rimmer, you’re so smegging hard.” Lister pulled down Rimmer’s zipper, dropping kisses as he made his way down his bunkmate’s bare chest. Rimmer moaned against the warm skin at Lister’s neck and slipped out of his flightsuit as his bunkmate caressed his erection with firm fingers.

The two men managed to stagger their way over to Todhunter’s desk in a flurry of naked limbs and wandering hands. Lister cleared the pens and papers from the desk with a broad sweep of his arm before shoving Rimmer down on it. He stood over his bunkmate, his brown eyes smoldering like coals as he wrapped a hand around Rimmer’s aching erection.

“Smeg, Rimmer. I’ve wanted you so bad too. Every minute of every day I’ve wanted you.” Rimmer shuddered as Lister’s warm hand worked him to a state of ecstasy he’d never before even dared to imagine. Lister climbed on top of the desk so he was straddling his bunkmate, his cock bobbing over Rimmer’s as he pumped him slowly.

“Suck me, Listy,” Rimmer heard himself cry out. “Please.”

“I’ll do one better than that, Rimsy,” Lister slipped off of the desk and stood behind Rimmer. He leaned forward, kissing Rimmer upside-down before slithering his way across his bunkmate’s torso, stopping only when his mouth was level with Rimmer’s hard prick, leaving his own erection dangling above Rimmer’s eager lips. Lister dipped his head down, sliding his full lips down the sides of his bunkmate’s cock. Rimmer’s mind was on fire as he felt himself being surrounded by wet, glorious heat.

“Oh smeg, Listy. Oh smegging SMEG.” Rimmer lifted up his head and pulled Lister’s hot erection into his own mouth. He wrapped his hands around Lister’s thighs, desperate for something, ANYTHING to hold onto. Rimmer struggled to concentrate on sucking Lister off while he pumped his hips into his bunkmate’s mouth.

“Oh Listy, I’m going... I’m going to…” Rimmer gasped around his mouthful as he felt the familiar tingling in his lower back.

“Oh smeg yeah, Rimmer. I want you to come, I want to feel you, I want to taste you,” Lister moaned as he began to suck Rimmer in even deeper. The long drawn-out sucking motions of his bunkmate’s mouth sent Rimmer over the edge in seconds.

“Oh smeg, Listy. Oh smegging SMEG!”

Rimmer awoke with a start as his orgasm pulsed through him. He bit down on his fist to muffle his cries and grabbed at his cock as it emptied spurt after spurt of semen into his shorts. “Smeg. Smegging, smegging smeg,” he grunted into his hand, as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through him. After a few moments he laid back in the bunk, desperately trying to catch his breath before remembering that he didn’t actually have to breath.

“Smeg.” Rimmer whispered as he lifted a hand up to his forehead and prodded the H emblem. _I’m still a hologram. A useless, smegging hologram._ He sighed as the disappointment dampened his post-orgasm bliss. Rimmer shifted uncomfortably in his sticky boxers, wishing he didn’t have to rely on Holly every time he needed a clean uniform.

Rimmer rubbed his face in his hands as he tried to push the dream from his mind. _Completely preposterous. Astrofellatio exam. And me and Lister..._ The hologram broke out in goose flesh as memories of the sensations washed over him. A groan crept from Rimmer’s lips as he felt phantom kisses running along his chest, and heat pressing firmly against his tongue. His cock began to twitch back to life in his wet boxers and Rimmer hid his face in shame. _Oh smeg. I’m never going to be able to look him in the eyes again. I’m going to get a stiffy every time I think of his…_

“Mmm… Rimmer…” Rimmer froze as he heard Lister moaning above him, his voice rough and throaty with sleep.

 _Is he dreaming too?_ Rimmer chewed on his lower lip as Lister’s moans drifted down from the top bunk. “Rimmer, mmm… Rimmer.” The entire bunk began to vibrate and squeak rhythmically in time to Lister's moans.

 _Oh smeg, yes,_  Rimmer thought as he slipped a hand into his shorts and began rubbing himself while he listened to his bunkmate moaning and writhing above him.

"Oh Rimmer, you're such a smeghead..." Rimmer's hand stalled at the unexpected insult.

"S'my turn for a ride Rimmer," Lister mumbled sleepily. "You’ll jus’ have to wait."

 _Oh smeg, he’s just dreaming about that stupid Total Immersion amusement park video game again._ Rimmer grimaced as he pulled his hand out of his shorts. He turned on his side with a huff and crossed his arms over his chest.

Rimmer was lamenting the fact that he was unable to take a cold shower when Lister’s sleepy voice suddenly murmured, "Mmm...pass me th’ riding crop Rimmer... You've been a naughty boy..."

A blush creeped into Rimmer’s cheeks as the weight of the words sank in. _Oh Listy,_ he thought as he slipped his hand back into his shorts. _We’ll see who the naughty one is tonight miladdo._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't thank Zolturates enough for her amazing fan-art she did that was inspired by this fic. You're the best! :-)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Astro-WHAT?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4964509) by [Zolturates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zolturates/pseuds/Zolturates)




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